


To Kiss the Sweet Rose

by cherie_morte



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Inspired by Cyrano de Bergerac, M/M, Secret Admirer, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 16:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11108508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherie_morte/pseuds/cherie_morte
Summary: College AU:Jensen’s been in love with Jared almost as long as they’ve been friends, but he’s given up all hope that Jared will ever feel the same. So when someone Jared could fall in love with approaches him for advice on how to win Jared over, Jensen finds himself in over his head. (J2 retelling ofCyrano de Bergeracby Edmond Rostand)





	1. JENSEN

**Author's Note:**

> Repost of a 2010 fic originally posted [here](http://infatuated-ink.livejournal.com/49662.html).

“Jared.”

Jensen kicks at the snoring mass by his door and hears one last sharp intake of breath before Jared’s shaking hair out his eyes and blinking up at him. He smiles sheepishly, which means Jensen’s pulling off the glare he’s going for.

“Hey.”

“There a reason you’re sleeping outside my door, dude?”

Jared staggers to his feet. “I got sexiled.”

“Again?”

“Yup.”

“How does that guy even manage to get so much play?”

“Don’t ask me, man.” Jared makes the face Jensen can’t ever say no to. “I was wondering if I could stay here tonight.”

Jensen sighs, getting his keys out and fumbling with the lock. “You wouldn’t have parked for the night if you didn’t already know what the answer was gonna be.”

Jared doesn’t waste his breath pretending otherwise. “I brought you gummy bears,” he says. “And stupid movies.”

“Don’t you ever have homework?”

“Did it.”

“Well, I was at work all day, so I have to study.”

“That’s okay. I forgive you.”

Jensen rolls his eyes and snatches the pack of gummy bears away from Jared. “Keeping these, though.”

“And you say I don’t pull my weight around here.”

Jensen snickers, letting the door swing open and leading the way into his apartment. “I’ll get you a pillow and some sheets.”

“Jen, I know how to set up the couch by now. You really don’t have to play hostess with me.”

Jensen ignores him, bringing out Jared’s favorite blanket and pillow and shoving them into his friend’s arms. “One day, I’m going to start insisting you call me before you do this.”

“One day, I’m going to start insisting Chad calls _me_ before he does this. Or rather, I’m going to find a way to enforce it because insisting hasn’t been hugely effective thus far.”

“Well, you knew what you were paying for when you bought it, Jared. Don’t know what to tell you.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jared starts, a calculating look in his eyes. “We should live together next year.”

“What?”

“Seriously, there are some two-room apartments in this building. We could probably find one on this floor, even. You would hardly have to move your stuff at all. It’s a good idea, right? I mean, I practically live here anyway, and you won’t have to put up with Chad when we hang out, or worry about me showing up unannounced on your doorstep because you’ll already know I’ll be here, and…I could help out with rent.”

Jensen freezes for a moment, then tries to play off the chill in his veins. Jared’s offering charity, however hard he’s trying to hide it, and Jensen’s not up for it. “It’s not a good idea,” he says, heading for the kitchen.

“C’mon, Jen. It’ll be fun.”

Jensen turns from the water he’s about to boil to face Jared, who’s leaning in the doorway like he belongs there. The truth is: it would be fun. Jensen looks forward to the nights Jared’s here waiting for him when he gets home, loves curling up on the couch with shitty carry-out and a running commentary on whatever crappy kung fu movie Jared pulled off the shelf at Blockbuster first. It’s the best part of his day on the days it happens, and it hurts enough when Jensen gets a few nights in between to recover.

Living with Jared would mean Jared’s stupidly distracting smile every morning, Jared walking around in his boxers at night, Jared’s hook-ups the next room over where Jensen couldn’t help hearing them if he tried. There’s a lot wrong with Jensen, but masochism is not on the list.

“I’m sure it would be, Jared, but I’m not looking for a roommate. That was the whole reason I moved off-campus to begin with, remember?”

“Yeah, but that’s because you didn’t know me that well yet.” Jared bats his eyes. “I’m ten times less crazy than that psycho you were living with back then.”

“Not interested,” Jensen says, turning back to his dinner.

“Ah, I see it’s been a long day for you. We’ll table the discussion until a better time.”

“Dude, I just told you no.”

“Mmm, dinner smells wonderful.”

“You’re not getting any.”

“Oh, I ate. Thanks for offering, though.” Jared smirks, and Jensen can’t keep his lips from tugging up.

“Look, I’ll get you a copy of the key, and you can let yourself in whenever you need to.”

Jared smiles wickedly. “Aww, that’s such a big step in our relationship, sweetie. Can I meet your parents next?”

Jensen feels his ears begin to burn and deflects his attention, hoping Jared won’t see him blushing. “Next time, I’m leaving you in the hall.”

“Big talk, little man,” Jared says, entering the kitchen and poking Jensen’s side. “Hey, why don’t you go shower or study or something? I’ll finish dinner.”

“You’ll eat it, too.”

Jared laughs. “Just a few nibbles.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Nah, I got nothing better to do. You look exhausted. Go take it easy and I’ll let you know when the pasta’s done.”

“Yeah, thanks Jay.”

Jared hardly acknowledges Jensen with a nod of his head before shooing him out of the room.

With the time he saved making dinner, Jensen manages to get his prep work for his physics lab done before ten and decides to join Jared in the living room after all.

Jared blinks at him through sleepy eyes when Jensen picks his feet up off his couch, sitting down where they’d been resting, and replacing them on his lap.

“You fallin’ asleep already, Padalecki?”

Jared yawns. “I’ve only seen this movie eighty-thousand times, and it’s not as fun without you.”

“How sentimental,” Jensen says, ignoring the aching pull in his chest. “Where are we?”

“Fighting montage number four.”

“Oh, good. So I’m in time for number six. Number six is my favorite.”

Jensen can just hardly see Jared smile into his pillow on the other side of the couch. “I know. I would’ve paused it for you, anyway.”

“You’re weirdly nice tonight.”

“Yeah, well, I’m in a good mood.”

Jensen looks at Jared closely and reflects on the evening. Jared’s been acting affectionate since he showed up, and it makes Jensen hope, for the first time in two miserable years, that maybe he’s not destined to live out the rest of his life pining after all. So he decides it’s about time to try telling Jared how he feels—just in case, by some tiny scrap of luck, Jared’s been waiting for him to say something, too.

“Jared, I…I have something to tell you. It’s important.”

Jared sits up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Me, too!”

“Oh.” Jensen pauses. “You first.”

“No, you brought it up. You go first.”

“You’re obviously excited about something. Just spill it, Jared.”

“Okay. I’m in love.”

Jensen tries to keep his features in check as a sick feeling tosses his stomach like a ship in a tempest. “In love?”

“Yeah. I mean, okay, maybe not in love. But I’ve got it bad.”

“For who?”

“She’s in our anthro class. I haven’t actually talked to her, but she’s smoking. She sits on your left most of the time. You know, the little brunette? She’s been giving me eyes all week.”

“Sandy?”

“You know her?”

“Yeah. Not well, but she’s in my physics lab.”

“The really hard one?”

“That’s the one.”

“She’s a genius. I knew it.”

“How do you know that? She’s never spoken in anthro.” Jensen realizes he’s getting snippy. Jealous. Friends are supposed to be _encouraging_ , so he takes a breath to even out his tone and adds, “I mean, she’s definitely smart, I just don’t know how you could be so sure of it.”

“You can just tell.”

Jensen laughs. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because you fall in love every month, and you’re completely convinced you know these girls at first glance, and then you get tired of them after a couple of weeks.”

“Harsh,” Jared says. “True, but harsh.”

“Sorry,” says Jensen. “I had a long day.”

“No, I know. And I get what you mean. But it’s different this time.”

Jensen nods, doesn’t remind Jared that he said that the last three times he ‘fell in love.’ He stays quiet until Jared smiles, putting a hand on his thigh and shaking him. “So what were you going to tell me?”

Jensen opens his mouth, then closes it. He can’t exactly confess undying love to Jared, not after Jared’s just reminded him how _not interested_ he would be. So instead, he shrugs and fakes a yawn.

“Just that I’m more tired than I thought I was, so I’m gonna call it a night.”

Jared’s eyebrows draw together. “That’s not what you were gonna say.”

“Says you?”

Jared doesn’t let it go. “No, seriously, what was it?”

“You tell me so I can get to bed,” Jensen replies with a shrug.

“Jensen, come on, like you can lie to me.”

Jensen scowls. “Night, Jared.”

“So, you’re best friends with Jared Padalecki, aren’t you?”

Jensen looks up from his reading and somehow manages to repress a sigh. There’s no way this is about to happen to him. “Yeah.”

“He’s really cute.”

“Is he? I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear it.” 

Jensen turns back to his book, but Sandy moves closer. “Does he have a girlfriend?”

 _Oh god,_ he thinks. _I’m in high school all over again._

“No.”

“Oh,” she says, smiling. “Do you know if he’s looking for one?”

“I’m actually trying to get this done before lab is over, because I really can’t stay today, so if you don’t mind…”

“Oh, no, of course.” Sandy doesn’t draw away. “Wanna work together on it?”

Jensen glares up at her in response.

She smiles easily, ignoring his bad attitude. It reminds him of Jared, and he secretly admits that they’d be a pretty perfect match. Which only makes him glare harder.

“I’m already done with most of it, but I’m kind of stuck on number 12. Maybe you could explain it to me?”

Jensen sees right through the move, but he doesn’t have the heart to point it out when she looks so damn cute and hopeful. “Sure, fine,” he says.

Sandy leans in and lets Jensen work through the problem for her, until she’s gotten to the point where she’s able to figure the rest out herself.

“Thanks,” she says. “I would offer to help you out with any you were stuck on, but I guess I’d be wasting my breath, huh?”

Jensen shrugs.

“Look, I’m sorry I bothered you about Jared. It was rude of me. I just hear really great things about him, and he’s gorgeous, and I guess I got a little selfish.”

“It’s okay,” Jensen replies, even though it kind of really isn’t. “Look, you should just walk up to him and introduce yourself, Sandy. You don’t really need much help getting a guy’s attention.”

“No, look, I screwed up on number 12, but I’m not a complete moron. I know I can get his attention. What I want to know is how to hold it.”

Jensen pauses, lets his pencil drop. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve heard all about him, Jensen. Revolving roommates, revolving girlfriends, the only consistent thing in the guy’s life from what I can tell is you. And I don’t want to be someone’s two week flame. So I thought maybe you have some tips or something. A book I could read or a movie I could watch or something. A jumping off point for conversation.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Seriously, just talk to him.”

Sandy frowns. “Whatever,” she says. “Thanks anyway.”

Jared spends the next two days pining over Sandy, but neither of them seems to have the balls to say anything, and Jensen gets so fed up with sitting between their puppy dog look exchanges in anthro that he changes his mind by the next time he has class alone with her.

“Music,” Jensen says, first thing when he gets to lab on Thursday.

She arches an eyebrow at him. “Um, hi?”

“That’s how you get Jared’s attention, okay? Find a band you both like and go to town.”

“Oh. Oh!” She sits up, face glowing. “I can do that.”

“Can you? What bands do you like?”

She starts listing every shitty pop phenomenon for the last ten years, from Justin Bieber to The Backstreet Boys, and Jensen eventually finds himself incapable of holding back his disdain. He groans.

“What?” she asks, face falling. “I like happy music, sue me."

“I think, if bad taste in music were a crime, I would.”

“Oh, you’re so clever.” She pauses. “Nothing in there Jared might even kind of want to talk about?”

“No. No. And further, no.”

She sits back, looking glum. “I guess…I guess I should just give up on this.”

Jensen thinks of all the upset faces Jared’s been making for the last few days and shakes his head. “No, look, I’ll…I’ll help you out, okay?”

“How?”

“I’ll make you a CD of some stuff Jared will like. You can listen to it, get to know the songs on it. I’ll make Jared a copy, too, and then you guys can bask in your wonderful shared love of music and get to know each other from there.”

“But if you give him the CD and then I just happen to know only the songs on it, won’t he be able to figure out that you helped me?”

“Not if we make him think you made it. I’ll slip it to him. Won’t be a problem.”

She bites her lip. “You really think that’ll work?”

“Trust me, I know the guy. He loves cheesy secret admirer shit like that.”

Sandy smiles and nods. “Sure, okay. Sounds good.”

Jensen turns back to his work and wonders what the hell he just signed up for.

He spends way too long on the mix, carefully picking out each song so he can be sure Jared will like it, hasn’t heard it before, and will hear something in it that resonates. They’re not love songs exactly, just songs that hover on the edge of being about love, songs that one way or another make Jensen’s chest tighten up every time he listens to them, because he knows exactly what they’re talking about.

Jensen makes a copy for Sandy and for Jared and keeps the playlist on his computer, because it’s worth listening to. It isn’t easy to sneak the CD to Jared, considering the fact that Jared’s always around, but he does manage to get Chad to let him into their dorm over the weekend while Jared is out, pretends he left something, and leaves it sitting on Jared’s desk.

He gives Sandy the copy he made her after anthro on Monday and by the time he gets home that night, Jared is waiting outside his door as usual. He looks up at Jensen from where he’s sitting on the floor with his headphones on. “Hey. I think I somehow accidentally stole a CD from you last Friday.”

Jensen gives him a confused look and unlocks the door. Jared stands and pulls the CD Jensen spent too many hours of his life putting together _for Jared_ out of his bag and hands it back to Jensen. It’s almost poetic in a kick-to-the-gut kind of way.

“I hope you don’t mind I listened to it while I was bored between classes earlier. And now I’m kind of hooked. Great stuff, man. Can I have a copy?”

“It’s not mine,” he says, wishing his voice weren’t quite so thin. “I don’t know what this is.”

He hands it back to Jared, and Jared makes that stupidly unattractive confused face of his. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I haven’t made a mix CD in months. It’s not mine.”

“But it sounds like you,” Jared says simply, as if that makes any sense.

Jensen laughs dismissively. “Nah, not mine.”

“Oh,” Jared frowns. “I guess…I guess I must have taken it from someone else, then. Shit.”

“At least you get to keep it like you wanted, right?”

Jared nods, still unsure.

Jensen claps him on the shoulder. “Hey, wanna play some Halo? I’m actually ahead on my homework for once.”

Jared agrees, temporarily forgetting the grief of having accidentally robbed someone of their mix CD.

So, that didn’t work, Jensen admits after Jared’s left. Jared is under the impression that the CD was a mistake, which means it’s not going to be the romantic moment Jensen was going for when Sandy claims to be behind it. So Jensen decides to do one more thing on Sandy’s behalf, just to drive the point home.

Jared doesn’t even bother giving Jensen the time to say hello or tease him for bumming out in front of his apartment when he gets home that day. He leans in the doorway, looking intently at Jensen.

“Hey, is there something you want to tell me?”

Jensen lifts an eyebrow. “Is this like the other day when you wouldn’t let me go to bed because you were convinced I was keeping a secret?”

“I don’t know, Jensen,” Jared says. “You tell me.”

“I…don’t get it?”

“There’s nothing you want to talk to me about?”

“I feel like I talk to you about a lot of things, but there’s no burning conversation topic for me right now, no. I’d kind of just like it if you let me into my apartment so I can unwind.”

Jared shoves a paper in Jensen’s face. “Look at this,” he says.

Jensen makes a show of handing it back to Jared after a quick glance. “What is this, your math homework?”

He shoves past Jared to enter his living room, and Jared hangs back, eyes glued to the paper.

“It’s a love letter, Jensen,” he says. “I found it taped inside one of my notebooks after lunch. I have a secret admirer or something.”

“That’s not creepy at all.”

“It’s not. It’s romantic. There’s a difference.”

“Not where you’re concerned, apparently.”

“Dude, can you please look at this for more than a second? It’s actually brilliant. It’s coded in equations, but it’s a goddamn love letter. It took me three hours to figure out. And it’s beautifully written. Not sappy or anything, just. I don’t know. It’s clever,” he smiles distractedly, “and whoever wrote it obviously knew I could figure it out.”

“That’s the geekiest thing I’ve ever heard, Jay.”

“I thought it was kind of awesome.”

“Well, that’s great. You and geek-math-equations-creepy-person are clearly meant to be.”

“That’s the conclusion I came to.”

Jensen swallows hard, trying very hard to ignore what Jared just said, because Jared doesn’t mean it. “What does it say?”

“You can’t figure it out?” he asks, sounding annoyed.

“I don’t have three hours to spend on it, Jared.”

“Well, it would take you an hour, tops.”

Jensen actually knows what the letter says by heart after spending nine hours picking every word apart and finding a way to code it numerically, but he sure as hell isn’t about to tell Jared that. “Or you could just tell me.”

Jared snatches it away from him. “I don’t think I will”

“So who do you think it is?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know. I thought maybe it was…never mind. Wishful thinking.”

“Who? Your crush, Sandy?”

“There’s no way Sandy knows me that well, I don’t think I’ve spoken four words to the girl.”

“Maybe she’s good at picking up hints. I mean, you said it yourself, she’s pretty sharp.”

“How about you? How was your day?”

“Hello, non sequitur. My day was fine. I had a really awesome lecture in Vibrations—”

“Oh, I bet you did,” Jared says lewdly.

Jensen rolls his eyes. “I cannot wait until I am done with that class and I never have to hear you make one of those jokes again.”

“You’ll miss it.”

“It must be really special in that little world of yours.”

Jared sticks his tongue out.

They hang out for a few more hours, but Jared’s only half paying attention to anything Jensen says or does. He keeps reaching into his pocket, and Jensen hears his fingers playing with the edges of the letter. Jared smiles absently every time he does it, a tiny, completely infatuated smile that may not be for Jensen but is for a part of him. Jensen could spend the rest of his life making Jared smile like that without getting sick of it.

He decides one more little favor for Sandy isn’t going to hurt anyone.

Two weeks, five CDs, three more encrypted letters, and about nine-hundred hours of hearing Jared gushing about his mysterious love later, Jensen is ready to admit he might kind of have a problem.

It’s not hurting anyone, though, or that’s what he tells himself to make it okay. Jared is on cloud nine, and Sandy is going to reap the benefits, has already started to talk to Jared, even dropped a few of the bands Jensen’s introduced her to and gotten Jared’s attention piqued in her favor. He hasn’t exactly filled Sandy in on just how actively he’s wooing Jared for her, but Jensen’s pretty sure she’ll appreciate it when Jensen finally convinces Jared it’s her without a doubt, and she gets to bask in the warm words Jared says or the starry eyes he greets Jensen with every time he has a new letter.

“Hey, you,” Jensen says.

Jared turns his head, smiling, and makes room on the booth chair he’s sitting on for Jensen to squeeze in. He has his laptop open, and his meal’s hardly touched. Jensen feels stupidly proud knowing he actually managed to hold Jared’s attention even when there’s food sitting right next to him.

“What’s this?” he asks, looking onto Jared’s screen.

Jared’s smile spreads. “It’s a video game.”

“Oh? Which one?”

“Mine,” he says.

“Putting those computer programming classes to good use there, kid? I’m sure Professor Kripke will be impressed.”

“Professor Kripke’s only ever been impressed by one student, Jensen, and we both know it’s you.”

“This looks pretty good, though.”

“That’s because I didn’t code it.”

“Ah, let me guess.”

“My admirer made it for me.”

“Of course,” Jensen says, in a mocking tone. “You ever wonder why this poor sap has so much time on their hands?”

“Nope,” Jared replies, attempting to spoon something into his mouth without letting his eyes leave the screen.

Jared is already on level seven, which Jensen had expected to take much longer. His stomach fills with butterflies. “How long have you been sitting here like this?”

“Since my classes finished,” he says sheepishly.

“Jay, that was six hours ago.”

Jared ignores him. “It’s a love story. I mean, it’s a kick ass one with, like, guns and shit, but the story, it’s actually really compelling.”

“Isn’t everything Anonymous does?”

“Yes,” Jared says. “That doesn’t make this less spectacular.”

“You know we have a Theta Tau meeting in half an hour, right?”

Jared sighs, saving the game and grudgingly exiting it. “You know you ruin all my fun, right?”

Jensen kicks him under the table. Jared turns his attention to his meal.

“This is cold,” he grumbles.

Jensen snickers. “Well, you left it here abandoned for however many hours while you played your cheesy video game.”

“It’s not cheesy. It’s—”

“Romantic, which is different.”

Jared smirks. “Okay, fine, so I’m predictable.”

“Oh, a little.”

“Hey, Jen, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

Jared shifts uncomfortably, and Jensen worries a little. He’s never seen Jared this nervous before.

“There’s this Cyrano concert next month, and I got us tickets as an early Christmas thing. Not that you have to come or anything, but I thought it might be fun. Do you…I mean, does that sound like something you want to do?”

Jensen lets out a long breath, still confused as to why Jared was so hesitant to ask but relieved nonetheless. He shrugs inwardly, figuring Jared probably splurged and got incredible seats and is now freaking out that it’ll make Jensen uncomfortable. Which, Jensen would be able to get past his pride, especially with Jared, for a chance to see Cyrano play. But, in the end, it’s too good an opportunity to finally get Sandy and Jared together, and Jensen can’t justify blowing that just so he can spend another night hogging Jared’s attention when he knows it won’t go anywhere.

“You know who loves them?”

“You?”

“Other than me.”

“Me?”

“Sandy.”

“Oh. That’s cool. She has pretty awesome taste in music, so…”

“Yeah, she does. You should take her.”

“I was kind of hoping it would be, I dunno, a thing. Like, just us?”

“I’m probably working or something. You should give her my ticket. It could be romantic.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it could.” It’s the first time in Jensen’s experience that Jared _doesn’t_ immediately turn into a smiling mess at the slightest mention of the word.

“So go for it.”

“It’s your favorite band, Jensen.”

“Eh, I’m kind of over them. I didn’t love their new CD.”

“Yes you did. Dude, you played it so many times even I got sick of it. And I’m a fan.”

“Well, I guess I spoiled it even worse for myself, because I can’t stand the damn thing anymore.” Jensen licks his lips. “You should take Sandy.”

“Maybe I will,” Jared says. He slams his computer shut a little too hard and gets up, forgetting his meal. “We should probably get to the frat meeting or we’ll be late.”

Jared takes the free seat next to Sandy at the meeting, giving Jensen a half-hearted shrug in apology when he’s left standing at the door on his own. Jensen lets it roll off him, heading for his usual place next to Chris and trying not to stare too hard at the empty spot next to him where Jared usually sits.

After the meeting, Jared comes up and tells Jensen that he was right, that Sandy is totally excited about the concert. They have a date. Which is exactly what Jensen wanted. Which means Jensen shouldn’t feel quite as put out about it as he does.

The next day, Sandy is already sitting with Jared, laughing at something Jared’s just said, by the time Jensen gets to class. It’s obvious they’re flirting, and Jensen takes the seat that’s usually Jared’s so that they can sit next to each other. They look like a couple already, so Jensen isn’t really surprised when Jared tells him a few days later that Sandy’s his girlfriend.

The first three weeks of Jared and Sandy’s relationship aren’t all that awful for Jensen. Jared is completely wrapped up in her, exactly the way he always is with his girlfriends for the first few weeks. A part of Jensen kind of hopes this means Sandy will be as fleeting as the rest of them, and he’ll have Jared’s undivided attention back in a month, at least until Jared meets the next girl. A less ugly but infinitely smaller part of him wants Sandy to win this time.

“This is redefining pathetic on so many levels, Ackles.”

“Shove it, Chris,” Jensen replies. “I’m trying to concentrate.”

“No, seriously, this is ridiculous. You don’t even know what you’re doing.”

“That’s what I have a consultant for.” Jensen lifts his head from the metal he’s trying to meld just long enough to give Chris a cheeky grin.

“Seriously, Jensen, seriously. Why is this a good idea?”

“Because Christmas is coming up, and Jared is going to expect something really special from—”

“From someone who doesn’t exist.”

“Shut up, Kane.”

“Shut up nothing, dude. It doesn’t bother you that he’s out at some concert you really wanted to go to with some girl, and you’re sitting in the electrical engineering lab, where you are not supposed to be because you aren’t part of the department, risking your friend who _is only supposed to come here after hours for school work_ ’s life, to build him a Christmas present that she is going to get credit for?”

“Nope.”

Chris crosses his arms over his chest and fixes Jensen with one of his Looks. “Ok, ‘why not?’ is my next question.”

“Because…” Jensen looks down at the wires he’s playing with and pretends to know what he’s supposed to be doing with them better than he does, just to make sure Chris can’t see his face. “He loves it.”

Chris, surprisingly, doesn’t laugh at all. He even sounds kind of sincere when he responds. “He loves you, too, Jensen.”

“I know. I know, but not the same way. Not the way he loves the person who does these things for him. I don’t care if he thinks it’s Sandy, man. It’s really me and that’s so much closer than…”

“You haven’t even tried telling him how you feel.”

“Because I know he’s not interested.”

“How do you know if you—?”

“Because I know _him_. Stop asking so many questions. This electrical shit doesn’t come easy for me, I need to concentrate.”

“Bite me, Jenny.”

“Don’t call me that. I’ll rip your balls off.”

Chris winces. “Jesus. That was a visual I did not need.”

Jensen smiles and winks at him.

Chris gives him all of five minutes of peace, then sighs and continues lecturing, “I swear, haven’t you ever seen the way he looks at you? It’s like you shit rainbows or something. In fact, the only reason all of this _doesn’t_ make you a total freak is that he’s your one-man fan club, too. There’s no way he’s not in love with you.”

“What do you know about it? The only things you love are your guitar and your bong.”

“And those are strong loves. Pure, unwavering, perfect loves.”

“Help me make him walk.”

Chris steps closer to the robot Jensen’s been slaving over and rolls his eyes when he sees it. “Typical, Jensen. Your design is all style and no form.”

“Fuck you, I don’t build robots. I build things that are useful.”

“Oh, yeah, turbines. Nothing gets the chicks wetter than that.”

Jensen elbows him. Chris laughs, not unkindly, and begins to undo all of Jensen’s electrical work. It’s another 45 minutes before the thing comes to life, but, when the night is up, Jensen’s managed to build and animate a little robotic dog for Jared’s desk.

“Not too shabby?”

“Well, for a mechanic,” Chris teases.

Jensen smacks his shoulder and takes him out for the beers he promised.

At some point during the Cyrano concert, Sandy finally convinces Jared that she’s his secret admirer. Jensen never gets the details, but he gets the aftermath, and that’s more than enough to keep him from asking.

Jared actually seems kind of surprised as he tells Jensen that it was her, which throws Jensen for a loop. Jared’s been insisting pretty much since this started that he knew who his admirer was, so Jensen doesn’t get why having his suspicions confirmed is so exciting. 

After the concert, Jared and Sandy turn into that couple that is so unfairly perfect it’s impossible not to hate them. Jared treats Sandy like she’s a goddess, his earlier affection mixing with the love he’d been harboring for his secret admirer, and Sandy would have to be pretty stupid—which she definitely isn’t—to not get completely swept away and fall swiftly in love with the way Jared touches her and talks to her and kisses her and fucking _worships_ her.

Jensen is left without anything to do except wrap himself up in making things for Jared, making Jared fall more in love with Sandy, attempting to distract himself from the fact that he’s the only one left still pretending.

He doesn’t regret it. Or, at least, not for a long time. It’s like being a part of what they have, which is better than nothing. Jensen always knew Jared would eventually meet someone who would be able to hold his attention, at least this way he knows he has a place in it.

This is how he chooses to look at the situation until the first time he has to sit by and have everything he did to bring them together thrown into his face.

It’s towards the end of fall semester, and Jensen and Sandy are in the library, cramming for their anthro exam. Jared shows up four hours into the study session and places two Starbucks cups on the table, one regular coffee with a few packs of cream and sugar and one tall triple shot Americano.

“I didn’t know how you take your coffee,” he says, handing Sandy the packs of sugar with her cup. “Is this okay?”

She smiles. “Perfect, baby. I’ll take anything with caffeine at this point.”

They kiss briefly, and, when he pulls away, Jared smiles at Jensen, wordlessly handing over his drink. Exactly the way he likes it.

Jensen’s heart sinks at the tiny show of affection. He finds himself wishing that, just once, Jared would act like a normal person: reply to his and Sandy’s whiny texts about studying for this exam with a _that sucks_ and go on enjoying the break he earned by working hard all semester instead of putting it off. But no, Jared shows up, smiling infectiously, offering much-needed refreshments and help, and reminding Jensen, as usual, of just how warm and selfless and impossibly perfect he is.

“Thanks,” he says.

“I think that’s the least excited I’ve ever seen you get about coffee. What’s wrong?”

Jensen scrubs a hand over his face and looks down at his text book, wishing the words would stop swimming. He takes off the glasses he hates wearing, especially hates wearing around Jared, and pinches the bridge of his nose. “This test is going to be the death of me.”

“Come come now, Jensen. I thought you were smart. This class is for _freshmen_.”

“Dude, I’m an engineer, okay? Humanities requirements are not my friend. There’s a reason I put this shit off for four years.”

“We only put it off for three years,” Sandy says, giving Jensen a cheeky smile and putting her head on Jared's shoulder. Jared snickers.

Jensen allows himself to glare.

“Want me to help you out?” Jared offers. “It’s kind of nice to finally get something you don’t.”

“When did you become an anthropology major?”

“You don’t have to be an anthro major, Jensen. You mostly just have to be literate. Like I said, the class is for _freshmen_.”

Sandy joins Jensen in glaring at him.

He throws his arms up in the air. “I came to help.”

“The coffee was a good start,” Jensen concedes. “Shutting up would be good, too.”

Jared shrugs and sits back, grabbing one of the open books on the table and glancing over it without interest. After about half an hour, Jensen hears stifled giggling from the other side of the table and looks up.

Jared is leaning over Sandy’s notes, writing something with his tongue sticking out like he’s trying his best to concentrate. When he pulls back, Jensen sees that he’s written out an equation, in the code _Jensen_ invented. He slides it towards Sandy, who smiles and immediately bends over the paper, responding in kind. Jensen probably should have realized Jared would want to talk to her in the language he thinks she invented for him, and he’s not surprised Sandy was able to put it together and master it. She probably doesn’t even know Jensen’s behind it, probably thinks _Jared_ dreamt it up for _her_.

Sandy answers too quickly, tosses out the first thing she thinks of. It’s funny, but it’s not perfect. Jensen reads her response and snidely thinks, _I could have done better_. Jared smiles at it, though, looks satisfied.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it does.

“My parents want to know which of your families you’re going to grace with your presence over the holidays,” Jared says, peeling the top off a chocolate Snack Pack with an excited look he should have outgrown ten years ago.

“I, uh, I think mine are gonna come up to see me this year,” says Jensen, eyes intent on the television.

“Hey, that’s awesome,” Jared replies, smiling wide. “I mean, we’ll miss you. And Ma will probably lock herself in her room and cry because her favorite son never comes to see her anymore. But I’m really glad you’re gonna get to see your folks.”

Jensen gives him a half-hearted smile and tries to keep his displeasure from showing. He doesn’t like lying to Jared. Jensen’s parents can’t afford to take the time off to drive up to see him, not when the factory his dad works for is just looking for excuses to lay people off. And Jensen can’t afford to fly home; he’s hardly scraping by on work-study.

Going to Jared’s used to be the perfect solution, a real home that he fled to, where no one—not even Jared’s distant relatives—ever paused to question if he belonged. He was a part of the family, in on the old jokes. He had a place. But he can’t go home with Jared this year, not when Jared will be talking about Sandy non-stop, and Jensen will be an afterthought, and everyone present will begin to notice that he doesn’t fit into Jared’s life anymore.

“Yeah, I’m pretty excited.” Jensen swallows hard and asks the question he has to ask, “You and Sandy have any big plans before the break?”

Jared shrugs. “We’re having dinner with my parents when they come to pick me up,” he says. “You should come, too.”

Jensen takes a long drink from his beer to keep himself from scoffing and doesn’t say anything else on the subject.

Jensen closes the phone on Jared’s ‘Merry Christmas!’ voicemail, ignoring the part of his brain that tells him to delete it. Jared sounds happy, completely carefree, and entirely oblivious to how much Jensen’s night is sucking. He sighs and tosses his cell onto the coffee table.

“Do you wanna have sex?” Danneel asks, hand rubbing soothing circles on Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen considers it for a long time, then stabs his spoon miserably into his Ben & Jerry’s. “I don’t even think it’ll help at this point.”

“Nonsense, sex always helps.”

“You know, you’re not supposed to get messages from friends asking for sympathy and take it as a booty call.”

Danneel laughs. “Well, how am I supposed to keep track? It’s ended that way before.”

Jensen smiles and lets himself fall to the side a little, until his head is resting on Danneel’s shoulder. “I wish I’d just fallen in love with you. At least then I’d be getting laid.”

“Yeah, but the friends with benefits thing just doesn’t work when one person goes all clingy.”

“We could totally just have a relationship, then,” Jensen says, swallowing Chunky Monkey down at a rate that actually makes Danneel, queen of comfort food, force the spoon out of his hand. “If I wanted to, I could have your heart in an instant.”

“Baby, if that’s what your seduction technique looks like, it’s no wonder Jared’s not biting.”

“You’re the worst at this.” Jensen laughs and sits up. “Why do I always forget that?”

“Because we usually end up having sex?”

“Point.”

Danneel sets the spoon on Jensen’s coffee table and finally manages to pry the ice cream away from him. She puts that next to the spoon and brings Jensen’s head down to rest in her lap, begins rubbing her fingers in his hair.

“Want me to punch him?” she says after a long silence.

“No. Yes. No.” Jensen looks up at her. “You should probably just punch me.”

“Oh, the temptation.” She sticks her tongue out.

“Do you think I did the wrong thing, Danny?”

She bites her lip. “I don’t know, Jensen. It’s a crappy situation all around.”

“But do you think…I don’t know. A part of me has to wonder if I’m doing wrong by him.”

“You’re doing what you have to do to stay sane, I guess.” Danneel is quiet for a few minutes and then she softly admits, “Yes, Jensen, I think you’re doing the wrong thing. But I know Jared, and I know how he feels about you. He won’t hold it against you if he finds out. Not for long, at least.”

“I don’t want that, though. I don’t want to depend on him being too nice. I don’t want him to have a reason to be mad.”

Danneel leans forward, grabs the ice cream, and hands it back to Jensen. “Then there’s a veritable fuck-ton of Chunky Monkey in your future, babe, because it is _months_ past too late.”

Jensen whines. “This is the worst Christmas ever.”

“You sure know how to make a girl feel special.” Danneel stops rubbing his head and picks up the remote. “ _Love Actually_ or _It’s a Wonderful Life_?”

Jensen laughs as Hugh Grant begins narrating.

Sandy knows Jensen didn’t stop at a few mixed CDs, Jensen can tell. She doesn’t know that it ever got as serious as it has, though. She’s nice enough to let it rest and doesn’t ask Jensen about it for months.

It’s not until after Christmas break, when Jared gets to his dorm and finds the dog Jensen slaved away on for him, that his response to Jensen’s secret gifts and notes alerts her to the fact that Jensen needs to slow down if he isn’t going to get them both caught.

“Jensen, hey.”

“I haven’t seen him, can’t tell you where he is.”

“Actually, I think you and I need to talk.”

“Oh?” Jensen slows down and turns to her, glancing anxiously across the quad to where his next class is.

“Yeah. About you and this love letter whatever thing you have going on.”

Jensen looks around to make sure no one’s listening and then nods at her to continue.

“I want you to stop.”

“But it’s working. He’s completely gone on you. This is the longest he’s ever been interested in anyone since I met him.”

“No, I know. And it’s great, really. I appreciate it. But, don’t you think…well, I think. I want him to love _me_ , Jensen.”

“He loves you more than I’ve ever seen him love—”

“No, he loves _you_. He just thinks it’s me. I need to try and see if he’ll love me, just plain old me. Because if not…Jensen, I want him to look at me the way he does and mean it. I want that so bad it hurts.”

Jensen definitely knows how that feels, so he nods reluctantly. “Okay. No more.”

“You know, I never wanted you to put that much effort in. I feel kind of bad now.”

“Don’t. Don’t feel bad. I liked doing it.”

Sandy tilts her head a little. “Why?”

Jensen shrugs. “I don’t know. Lots of reasons. I had a lot of creative energy and nothing to do with it. And I like seeing you guys happy.”

She bites her bottom lip, looking at him much more critically than he’s comfortable with. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Because from what I’ve seen of the stuff I supposedly made Jared…there’s a whole lot of emotion in it.”

“All fake,” he says. “I told you, I have a lot of creative energy. I guess I’m just passionate about my work.”

She doesn’t stop looking at him, and Jensen can only stand the scrutiny for a few more seconds. He squeezes her shoulder apologetically. “Look, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to make it to Tiller Hall in the next five minutes, so I gotta run.”

It’s not a lie, so Jensen doesn’t feel bad about leaving without giving Sandy a proper goodbye.

Jensen does a very respectable job of ignoring his urges to go behind Sandy’s back and write to Jared. At first, he still makes the gifts—can’t help that—but he tucks them away, and Jared’s never the wiser. After a couple of weeks, Jensen is able to tear them up and throw them away instead of stashing them. Eventually, he works himself to the point where he doesn’t sit down and put his thoughts on paper, no matter how perfect an idea is in his head.

And the result isn’t pretty. He doesn’t know if he’s the idiot or if Sandy is. Jared doesn’t fall out of love with her, but there’s a sad look in his eyes when they’re together and his enthusiasm is noticeably dimmer. Jensen notices, realizes just how much of Jared’s love for her really was just because of him. Sandy notices, too, and he sees how much it hurts her, even when Jared’s kissing her and being a perfect boyfriend. He doesn’t look at her the way he did before, he looks at her like any guy looks at his girlfriend. It would be enough if she hadn’t spent months getting used to something so much better.

Jared doesn’t mention the notes stopping to Jensen, and Jensen definitely doesn’t ask. But there are times when they’re hanging out, just them—like old times, and it’s happening more and more as Jared and Sandy drift—when Jensen swears Jared is on the verge of talking to him about it. Jensen invents excuses when he thinks Jared’s about to bring Sandy up, because he’s a coward and there’s no way he can stand hearing Jared’s disappointment in her and know it’s his fault.

She waits for him after lab. Sandy doesn’t usually talk to him when they’re apart from Jared, unless she has something practical to say, but Jensen knows from the slow, deliberate way she approaches him that she’s not planning to ask for homework help or double check on what the frat dinner hours are this week. She wants to talk to him and, whatever it is she wants to say, it’s something serious.

Jensen starts to panic just a little, worries that maybe one of those letters he never meant to send made it back to Jared. He can’t imagine one did, so he has no idea what he could possibly have done wrong.

Sandy shifts her weight from one foot to another and looks Jensen in the eye. “I’m going to break up with him,” she says.

Jensen laughs dismissively and continues packing his books into his bag. “Look, I think you know I have to take the groom’s side on whatever argument you’re having, so I’m not the best person for girl talk.”

“We’re not having an argument. I’m not blowing something out of proportion. You need to take this seriously.”

“You’re not dumping Jared, Sandy. You’re not that stupid.”

“I guess I am.”

Hearing the defiance in her tone, Jensen turns to face her. She sounds like she means it, but she can’t.

“Why would you do that?”

“Oh, come off it, Jensen. You’ve seen how it’s been since you stopped helping me. I wanted to see if he loved me or the letters and it’s pretty fucking clear that it’s not me.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No. He does love you. Even if it’s not the way it was, at least he loves you. You’re lucky to have it, and you’ll regret throwing it away.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me how you feel about him?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Please don’t treat me like an idiot.”

“I told you, I was bored, and I thought I could help. That’s it.”

“Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I don’t know how I ever believed you were faking it. You’re completely in love with him.”

“Who cares if I am?” he snaps. “What does it matter? You’re the one he’s in love with. I helped you. It’s none of your business if I…”

Unexpectedly, Sandy’s face softens and she puts a tiny, supportive hand on his shoulder. “Jensen, tell him.”

“What?”

“Tell him it was you. Tell him how you feel. You’re the one he’s in love with, even if he doesn’t know it.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It’s true. I wish to god it wasn’t, but it is.”

Jensen just shakes his head. “Please don’t dump him Sandy. I know you still have feelings for him, and you’ll break his heart. You can’t hurt him like that.”

“I’m sorry, Jensen. I’m hurting myself hanging on to him. If you really don’t want him to be heartbroken, tell him it was you. Let him have the person he actually loves. But it’s not fair to make me pretend to be something I’m not. If I’m going to have a boyfriend, I want him to be a boyfriend who cares about me.”

“But Jared—”

“We should have thought about how this would affect him a long time ago. At this point? The longer we keep pretending, the worse it’s going to be when he finds out. I’m telling him tonight.”

“What do you mean ‘telling him’?” Jensen asks. “What _exactly_ do you plan to say?”

“Everything. The truth. That you helped me, that I’m done with the whole mess.”

“No. You can’t tell him it was me. If you have to break up with him, okay, but you can’t tell him it was me.”

She sighs. “Don’t you even kind of want to know if he feels the same way?”

“He doesn’t.”

“He does.”

“He doesn’t.”

“He at least might.”

“That’s not good enough,” says Jensen. “I can’t risk his friendship on that.”

“Being in love with him isn’t going to lose you his friendship and you know it.” Her lips turn down. “Lying to him might.”

“He doesn’t ever have to know we lied. Please, don’t tell him. I don’t want things to change between us.”

“Not even for the best?”

He directs his gaze to the floor. “Look, Sandy, I gave up on hoping for that a long time ago. I can’t start pretending again.”

“You’re not nearly as smart as everyone gives you credit for,” she says, turning on her heels.

Jensen grabs her by the back of the arm and holds her. “What are you going to tell him?”

“Only what’s mine to tell. That we’re done. But you should tell him it was you. Even if you don’t think he’ll be happy about it. Because, Jensen, one day he’s going to figure it out. And the longer you wait, the worse it’s gonna be.”

Jensen lets go of her arm and watches her take off down the hall.

Jensen has work immediately after his lab; he doesn’t get much of a chance to wonder if Sandy went through with it or not. Jared is sitting outside his door when he gets home as usual, but, for the first time ever, it’s the worst part of Jensen’s day instead of the best.

He’s rolled up, back against the wall, arms wrapped around his legs, with his chin resting on his knee. He looks tiny. Impossibly small. He looks nothing like Jared. All Jensen wants to do is convince himself, somehow, that this has nothing to do with him, because it’s breaking his heart to know that _he_ did this to his friend.

Jared wipes his nose on the back of his sleeve and looks up at Jensen with red eyes.

“Jay,” says Jensen, crouching to get a closer look at Jared.

Jared reaches out. “Jensen.”

“Are you okay?” he asks, even though he knows the answer.

Jared shakes his head.

Jensen doesn’t bother asking what’s wrong, just stands and unlocks the door so Jared can get inside before anyone sees him. He gives Jensen the closest thing to a grateful smile he can muster.

As soon as he’s inside, Jared heads for the couch and falls onto it, grabbing one of the cushions and burying his face against the fabric. Jensen sits next to him.

“She dumped me.” Jared sniffs again, and Jensen tries not to think about how gross his pillow is going to be after this. He doesn’t deserve a distraction, however desperately he may need one. “Jensen, she dumped me.”

Jensen stays quiet, reaches out to touch his friend’s shoulder. Jared’s face contracts, and he leans into Jensen’s touch. Lean’s into Jensen. Depends on him. Jensen is definitely the worst person alive right now.

“I don’t even know…I mean, I thought maybe she was getting tired of me because…but. Jensen. She dumped me.”

Jensen tries to shush him, wraps his arm around Jared, and Jared goes with it, clings to Jensen tightly, lets himself go. Jared’s not an elegant crier, and, before Jensen knows it, his shirt’s soaked through where Jared’s face is pressed against his shoulder.

He moves his hands over Jared, trying to provide some kind of support, not really having any idea where to go with it. Jared doesn’t seem to notice how awkward Jensen’s attempt at comfort is, he just burrows deeper into it.

“I love her.” His voice is muffled, but there’s no way Jensen could miss what he said or pretend he didn’t mean it. “So much it started to hurt after a while. So much I was convinced we were gonna get married. She’s perfect, and I fucked it up.” He looks up at Jensen, fingers still tightly bunched in his shirt. “I don’t know what I did to make her stop loving me, Jensen. I knew it was happening months ago, but I don’t know what I did.”

Jensen swallows hard and considers telling Jared how wrong he is. How far from being tired of him the person who wrote him those letters was. But he can’t make this about him now. “Jared, I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I did. I had to. She loved me so much, Jen. You should have seen the things she wrote me. How did I fuck that up?”

Jensen pulls away and makes Jared look him in the eye. “Jared, listen to me. You didn’t. Sometimes, people just grow apart, okay?”

He shakes his head. “Not that kind of love, Jensen. You don’t get over it. I know it. I’ll never—” Jared’s voice falters. “I’m never going to get over this.”

“Come on, Jared. Of course you are.”

“You’ve never…one day you’ll get it. One day you’ll meet someone and you’ll love them the way I love her. The way she loved me. And you’ll get it.”

 _I get it,_ Jensen thinks, but he bites his lip and keeps it down.

“I’m gonna get you a pillow and blanket, Jay. You’re gonna stay here tonight,” he says instead.

Jared nods against the cushion.

Jensen does as promised and goes to the kitchen to make Jared something while he sets up his bed. Jared accepts his offering blindly. Jensen would be willing to bet he doesn’t know what kind of sandwich it was once he’s finished with it.

He takes Jared’s plate, and, when he returns from putting it in the sink, Jared’s already lying down, everything but his face covered by his blanket. Jensen sits on the small empty space where Jared’s body curves away from the end of the sofa and brushes a stray hair out of Jared’s eyes.

“You want anything else before I go to bed?”

Jared shakes his head a little and Jensen stands up. Jared reaches out and grabs his arm as he’s about to leave. “I don’t know how I’d manage without you sometimes.”

Jensen kind of wishes he was dead.

The weird thing is: Jared really doesn’t get over it. Jensen’s watched him drift in and out of love for two years. He managed to convince himself this would be just one more time. He would comfort Jared, and Jared would mope, and then Jared would get over it and move on to the next. But Jared doesn’t. He’s completely devoted to Sandy, only to Sandy, and Jensen knows that every day Jared is hurting is his fault.

At first, Jared tries to get her back. Tries desperately, promises to fix whatever he did wrong. Sandy generally just gives him a sorry look and dismisses him, always making sure to glare at Jensen as she leaves. She never tells Jared, though, and Jensen’s thankful for that.

It’s not until late February, a few weeks after the break up, when Sandy starts dating a guy named Tom Welling, that Jared really gives up. She looks happy with him, he’s tall and gorgeous—though he’s no Jared—and Jared decides he’s no competition. It doesn’t matter how many times Jensen tells him otherwise, because Jared’s not in love with Jensen, and nothing anyone but Sandy thinks matters to him anymore.

Selfishly, Jensen benefits from it. Jared is back to being a constant fixture in his life and even a less enthusiastic Jared is better than missing him. But there are times Jared mentions her or gets that look or reaches into his pocket to play with the edges of a note that doesn’t exist. Jensen would give anything to have to sit through Jared rambling about how great Sandy is, just to see him smile the way he did when they were together.

It’s the third spring break in a row that Jared and Jensen spend at Lake Roxanne. The family of one of Jensen’s oldest friends, Steve Carlson, owns a cabin on the lake. At least, they call it a cabin. It’s more like a mansion—stone fireplace, four floors, a hot tub—but it’s in the middle of the woods and you can go swimming in the lake or get eaten by bears, so the Carlsons like to make it sound like they’re rustic and down-to-earth, instead of the kind of people with a multi-million dollar vacation home that they habitually give their underage son permission to live in with a huge group of his least responsible friends.

Not that Jensen’s complaining. Some of his happiest memories took place here, and there’s a part of him that believes this is going to be the solution to everything. Jared can’t be heartbroken in a place like this. Jensen can fix him here.

Things start off on the right foot. Jared and Jensen claim the fourth best room in the house, they swim for a few hours, Jensen, Chris, and Jason pass a guitar around the campfire, singing and playing and generally goofing off. The partying starts as early as six and by nine, everyone is drunk or high or both. Even Jared is smiling that fucking blinding, dimpled smile Jensen’s wanted to taste since the first time he saw it.

They sneak off at midnight. It’s tradition. Ever since the first time they came here, when they got lost returning to the cabin from the lake and discovered the perfect place to sit and enjoy the landscape, they’ve always returned to this spot as soon as everyone was too drunk to follow them, sat on their log, and looked out. They talk about stupid, philosophical shit, or how they’d spent the year, or nothing at all. But it was just them, and it was beautiful, and Jensen fucks it up.

He smiles stupidly and nuzzles his face into Jared’s arm. Jared’s skin smells like saltwater and sweat and Jensen wants to lick it. Jared laughs.

“There’s my snuggly drunk,” he says fondly, patting Jensen’s back.

“I’m not drunk,” Jensen says.

“Oh?”

Jensen shakes his head against his friend. “I need a new, stronger word for drunk.”

Jared cracks up. “That’s my boy.”

Jensen’s heart tightens. “I am.”

“Yeah,” Jared agrees.

“If we went swimming right now, I think I would probably drown.”

“You’re a pretty shitty swimmer all the time, though, if we’re being honest.”

“Yeah,” Jensen says through a laugh. “Yes I am.”

Jared’s fingers find his hair. “You can’t be perfect, I guess.”

“Yes, you can.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, but he keeps massaging Jensen, and Jensen can’t think through how good it feels.

“Sandy’s an idiot, you know.”

“Jen, I don’t wanna talk about that right now.”

“No, I know. But I need you to know that she was wrong to let you go. She’ll see that one day.”

He shrugs. “Nah. She won’t. And…I think I’m okay with that.”

“You’re over her?”

“No. But she’s moved on. I’m getting used to it, I guess.”

“You’ll move on, too,” Jensen promises. He grabs Jared’s arm and uses it to push himself up so he can look Jared in the eye. “You’re gonna meet someone, Jared, who is going to actually be for you. And she’s going to be smart and gorgeous and she’s not going to need to draw you diagrams to keep your attention.”

Jared’s expression doesn’t change much, but Jensen sees something in his eyes. If he were sober, he’d be able to read Jared like a book, but instead he’s completely lost. He doesn’t realize how badly he fucked himself over until there’s no chance for recovery.

“How did you know about that?” Jared asks, voice even.

“About what?”

“The diagrams. I never showed you those. I never told anyone about them.”

Jensen laughs. “Jared, all I heard about for months was Sandy and her secret presents.”

Jared pushes his hand away. “Nothing she drew me, Jensen. I never told you she drew for me.”

Jared stands up and faces Jensen, and Jensen realizes he’s angry. He tries to reach out, but Jared steps away from him, and Jensen has to use every ounce of willpower he has to prevent himself from swaying forward and faceplanting into the dirt.

“It was a guess,” he says. “It was just a lucky guess.”

“It was you,” Jared says.

“Just a guess, Jared.”

Jared shakes his head, looks at Jensen in a way that makes his stomach curl. He doesn’t just look hurt. He doesn’t just look angry. He looks disappointed.

“Jay, let me—”

“Explain? Fuck you.”

“No,” Jensen says. “Please don’t get mad at me. I did it because I lov—”

“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say that to me.”

“But it’s—”

“No. It’s not. You never would have…” Jared kicks at the ground. “I knew it. I fucking knew it.”

“Did not.”

“Yeah, I did. I knew it from the first...”

He turns to leave. Jensen calls him back and Jared freezes. Jensen can tell he wants to keep walking, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t turn to look at Jensen, either.

“You can’t leave me out here. I’ll never find my way back.”

Jared faces him, and Jensen realizes that he has every intention of telling him to deal with it. But Jared is Jared, and, despite everything, he kneels and helps Jensen back to the house.

Jensen falls asleep because Jared’s tucking him in, but Jared doesn’t sleep in their room that night or the next night or any of the nights after. He avoids Jensen, spends most of the trip locked in the room he begins sharing with Genevieve and Danneel. The few times Jensen gets a glimpse of him, he looks worse than he did the day Sandy first broke up with him.

Jensen thinks Jared quite possibly hates him, and, the worst part is, he can’t even blame him.


	2. JARED

Jared pretty much falls in love with Jensen the first time he sees him.

It’s not the first time he’s fallen head-over-heels in love-at-first-sight, but it is the first time Jared’s caught by someone’s words instead of a cute smile or a nice rack. 

It happens at the tail end of what Jared so far considers to be a pretty miserable first month at college. He’s in the dining hall—of course he’s in the dining hall, aside from his dorm and his classes, he doesn’t really go anywhere else—and he overhears some commotion from the far side of the hall. Jared hasn’t really outgrown high school just yet, so he abandons his lunch to be nosy and find out what’s going on.

There’s a girl being loudly accosted by some preppy douche with bleached hair, a bad fake tan, and a cardigan wrapped around his neck. She says ‘no’ about eight different ways, but the guy doesn’t back off. Jared rolls his eyes and is about to step in, but someone beats him to it.

“Come on, Danneel, let me take you out tonight.”

“For the tenth time this week, James, the answer is no.”

“Baby, I know you’re playing hard to get with me—”

“I know I’m really not.”

“But one day I’m gonna get tired of it and move on.”

“Oh, please, don’t tease a girl.”

He moves forward to grab at her, and a guy steps in, shoving his hand away.

“Why don’t you back off and leave her alone, jackass?”

“What’s it to you? She your girlfriend or something?”

“Maybe,” he replies. “Doesn’t make much of a difference, she’s clearly not interested.”

“Aren’t you, like, a charity case? You can’t afford to take her out, anyway.”

The guy’s lips thin for a moment, but then he shakes his head and smiles condescendingly. “You know, if you had a single shred of creativity or intellect, that might have hurt my feelings there. But I think you kind of blew your chance. I mean, yeah, I’m pretty broke, but I’m sure she’d rather go out to a McDonald’s with me than spend a night at a five-star restaurant with a guy who can’t even string together a decent insult.”

The blonde stares back, clearly thrown by the response, and the other guy continues, “Here, I’ll teach you. See, it’s all in the tone. Now, your delivery was definitely aggressive enough, but you didn’t really go out on a limb. If you’re going to insult someone, you might as well go all the way.

“So next time, maybe something a little more direct. Like, ‘Jensen, you are so poor, I can’t even pretend to care what you have to say.’ Or you could have gone more dramatic, ‘if I were as poor as you, I would just kill myself!’ You could have done a nice, backhanded compliment, ‘I am impressed that you were even able to learn to speak considering the amount of money you were raised on!’ You might have said it like a worried friend. ‘My dear Jensen, I hope that you’ll still have something left for yourself after you’re done taking her out to dinner.’

“Hell, you could have really played it up, gone into Dickensian detail, ‘if you take this lady out to dinner, be wary of her seeing the conditions you live in, with the rats and the mound of dirt you call a bed and the rags you have to wear as you beg, desperately, for any bit of pity—a crumb of bread, perhaps—to get you through another cold, miserable day.’

“You could have marveled at my even managing to make it here alive to get between you and harassing poor Danneel, or maybe pried me with questions like I’m some kind of curiosity. ‘But tell me, do you really have to work to pay your rent? What about your trust fund?’ You could have offered me a little false empathy, that might have been funny. ‘Ah, I can only imagine what it’s like for you, being so poorly equipped for life, to attempt to impress a girl. Of course, I would have to imagine, because, unlike you, I am not a pauper.’

“You could have thanked me, maybe, for giving rich losers everywhere something to feel better about themselves over—that probably would have stung a bit. I mean, even calling me ‘poor as hell’ would have counted as Shakespearian. But you chose to go the Beavis and Butthead route. So instead of offended, I’m mostly just glad that, although God didn’t bless me with a yacht of my very own, at least he gave me the brain cells I’m going to need to make it through life, and I don’t have to live in fear that daddy will realize what a waste of space I am and cut me off. We aren’t all that lucky, now are we?”

The preppy guy—James—blinks back in shock, and the crowd of bystanders who have gathered by now all start laughing, some (including Jared) even applaud.

“Aren’t you a fag, anyway?” he finally responds.

Jensen, Jared thinks this guy said his name was, smiles wide, his eyes folding up in the corners. He pats James on the shoulder indulgently. “I see I was wrong about you. Clearly, there’s a great mind in there somewhere.”

He walks off then, completely dismissive, and James looks around for a few seconds like he’s been hit by lightning before he heads straight for the door.

Jared watches the guy talk to the redhead he’d been defending for a few seconds before she smiles at him over her shoulder and gives him a tiny wave goodbye. The guy turns to leave, but Jared catches up to him.

“Hey,” Jared says.

“Hi?”

“I’m Jared, Jared Padalecki.” He extends a hand. “I just wanted to let you know that that was awesome.”

“Thanks, Jared, Jared Padalecki,” he replies, his lips slightly lopsided as he takes Jared’s hand and shakes it.

Jared blushes and looks at his feet. “Sorry, that was kind of dorky, huh?”

“Yes, totally dorky,” he admits. “But mostly I’m just feeling catty. I’m Jensen, Jensen Ackles. But you can call me Jensen if you wanna avoid being too repetitive.”

The name clicks, and Jared finds his mouth dropping open. “Whoa, whoa, you’re Jensen Ackles? _The_ Jensen Ackles?”

“I don’t know about that, but I am _a_ Jensen Ackles.”

“Oh, man. That was dorky again, right?” Jensen nods. “Sorry if I sound like a total stalker or something, but I know your work.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “You ‘know my work’?”

“Well, I mean, kinda.” Jared scratches the back of his neck. “Are you…were you done eating or do you have somewhere to sit already? I’d love to, uh, I have plenty of room for another…” Jared stops talking, because he knows he’s making an ass of himself and can’t seem to stop. He points to his table across the hall, hoping it’ll finish the offer for him.

Jensen looks where he's being directed, then back to Jared, and even though he’s still smiling, he looks a little sad, too. “I was just passing through, actually,” he laughs uncomfortably, “the Van Der Beek asshole’s a moron, but he was right. I’m here on the university’s mercy, and the dining plan financial aid picks up for me means I can only eat every other day. So, uh. I ate yesterday.”

He shrugs nonchalantly, but Jared feels his lips tug down.

“Did…do you want me to get you a sandwich or something?”

Jensen flinches, then looks up at Jared, clearly pissed. “No.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend or anything. I just wanted to…”

He looks apologetic and gives Jared a light squeeze on the shoulder. “I meant ‘no thanks’, okay? I don’t need your charity. I don’t even know you.”

“I’d really like it if we could change that,” Jared admits. “I mean, seriously, I’d love to pick your brain about, whatever. It could be a working lunch. I’ll make you earn the sandwich, I promise.”

Jensen bites his lip. “You sure about that?”

Jared nods. “Look, I’m a freshman. I have no idea what I’m doing here and it’s…it’s kind of lonely. You’d be doing me a favor.”

“Alright, sounds fair,” Jensen says. “Buy me a sandwich, then.”

Fifty minutes later, they’re sitting opposite each other, Jensen tearing into his sandwich in between answering Jared’s questions. He pauses and looks up at Jared. “Okay, I’ll bite. How do you even know about me?”

“You’re going to be a household name soon, right? Aren’t you going to save us all from global warming?”

Jensen smiles, sure of himself, but his cheeks are suspiciously pink. “You can imagine how pressured I _don’t_ feel when people say that.”

Jared laughs. “I read your article in some science magazine last year, the one about the alternate energy research you’re doing? I couldn’t believe it when I got to the end and found out you were a freshman. I mean, that’s, like, half the reason I chose to come to Rostand University. It was already one of my top picks, but other schools have great engineering programs, too, you know? But I figured the opportunities here must be something else if freshmen are writing for legitimate science journals. Or, you know, that’s what I thought at the time. Obviously it’s not like every freshman in the school is doing it or anything. You’re like a genius, right? But it was still—oh god, I’m rambling, aren’t I? I ramble sometimes.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Despite the tone, Jensen looks more amused than annoyed, and Jared lets out a long, nervous breath. “You made a good choice. I’ve been very lucky with my professors here, they really take an interest. I’m sure it’ll be the same for you.”

“Maybe. If I don’t fail everything.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Man, I know the first semester feels like that. I promise it gets better.”

Jared smiles tightly. “Really?”

“Really.” Jensen sits back for a second and looks Jared over critically. It makes Jared want to avert his eyes, but he manages to hold Jensen’s gaze. “You trying to go into mechanical engineering?”

Jared laughs. “Actually no.”

“No?” Jensen says, feigning outrage. “Well, what’re you wasting all my time asking me about turbines for, then?”

“I told you, I thought it was interesting!”

Jensen waves a dismissive hand at him. “So, what are you studying? Tell me you’re not going to be one of those electrical engineering dweebs with their circuit boards.” Jared tilts his head and Jensen scoots up. “Shit, are you? I swear I was kidding. My best friend’s an electrical engineering major.”

“No, no. I’m hoping for civil engineering. Again, assuming I even get i—”

“None of that. You’ll do fine. You’re smart, Jared.”

Unfortunately for Jared, Jensen’s faith in him turns out to be pretty misplaced. By the end of midterm season, Jared isn’t exactly sinking, but he’s not top-engineering-program-in-the-country material, either.

He decides to swallow his pride and go see Professor Singer, whose math exam Jared just barely managed to get a C on, during his office hours for help. He sits and talks to the professor for about thirty minutes and feels just the slightest bit better by the end of it. Professor Singer is impressed when he finds out Jared is a freshman—apparently most freshmen are too intimidated to take his class—and he reminds Jared that he’s offering a second chance on the exam to students willing to do some extra credit work.

Jared leaves his office with a study packet that weighs half as much as he does, and his head swims when he reads over the first few pages. Jared is royally screwed.

He bumps into someone and two stacks of papers—one his and the other belonging to whoever he just walked into—fan out across the hallway in all directions.

“Shit,” he says. “I’m so, so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going.”

“Yeah, you should have been.” The voice sounds vaguely familiar, and when Jared finally gets a look at the person, his stomach sinks. Of course, the day wasn’t embarrassing enough just yet. “What kind of dork doesn't look where he's going?”

Jensen is smiling that same half-smile he’d given Jared when they met.

“Jensen!” says Jared.

“Jared, Jared Padalecki,” Jensen replies.

“I’m so sorry, man. I’m such a klutz.”

Jensen crouches and smiles up at him, offering him the packet he’d dropped. “It’s no big deal, Jared, calm down.”

They gather the rest of the papers together in silence and stand up at the same time. Jared holds what he has of Jensen’s stack out, frowning. “Fuck, I made a mess. Fuck.”

“Really, I can get it back in order. That’s why we invented page numbers.”

“Is it—it wasn’t a paper or anything, right? Because now if you turn it in it’s going to be all bent and your professor is going to think—”

“It’s a stack of handouts for Professor Gamble’s Mathematical Ideas class. It’s seriously not a big deal. Just a bunch of loser freshmen like you getting crappy photocopies. They’ll know who to blame.”

“Are you an aide for her or something?”

“Working for the department right now. I’m supposed to tutor, but no one ever shows up, so I either spend the time doodling or running errands. Work study—it’s every bit as glamorous as they say.”

“Do they say that?”

“Smartass.” Jensen laughs. “No, they don’t say it. And if they ever try to, they’re lying to you.”

Jared stands, awkwardly blocking Jensen’s path until Jensen gives him a pointed look. “Was there something else?”

“Oh, no, sorry.” Jared steps aside, then the rest of what Jensen said sinks in, and Jared grabs him before he can leave. “Wait, yes, there is.”

“What’s up?”

“You do tutoring?”

“Yup.”

“For any class in the department?”

“I’ll tutor you in anything that doesn’t involve writing papers.”

Jared laughs. “Well, are you, um, I mean, are you busy right now? After the handouts? I think I could use some help.”

Jensen smiles. “No, of course, that’s what I’m here for. Just wait for me in room 543, okay? It’s a conference room, right down the hall. I just gotta drop these off.”

“Yeah, great! Awesome! Thanks.”

Jensen shows up ten minutes later and sits down, helping Jared work through the packet Professor Singer had given him. At around seven, a janitor sticks his head into the room and tells them the department is closing down, and they need to leave.

“You still have a few pages left,” Jensen says with a frown. “You let me know if you have problems, okay? I’m here on Mondays and Wednesdays from noon to three.”

Jared looks back at the clock. “Wait, are you kidding me? You were supposed to be done at three and I held you here? You could have just told me.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Naw, I was having fun. It’s seriously not a problem at all. It’s kind of nice to finally be doing what they hired me to do.”

Jared bites his lip. “Well, shit. Thanks so much, man.”

“I’m just sorry we didn’t finish. Probably shouldn’t have joked around so much.”

Jared shrugs. “It was worth it. At least I didn’t stab my eye out with my pencil like I probably would have if I tried to do this alone.”

“Don’t do that, it almost never ends the way you want it to.”

“Anyway, I think I have most of this stuff down now. You have no idea how much it helped.”

Jensen smiles, and Jared decides to go a little out on a limb.

“But, I mean, if you’re really not tired of me yet, we could go somewhere else to finish? Maybe order a pizza or something.”

“Sure,” says Jensen. “Sounds fun.”

It is fun, and Jared goes back to Jensen for tutoring every Monday and Wednesday for a month before Jensen catches on that his grades are steadily improving, and he doesn’t actually need that much help anymore. They start hanging out on weekends, outside of Jensen’s tutoring hours—they become real friends.

By then, Jared’s settled into school a lot more, found his niche with a few of the other kids he shares classes and clubs and living space with, but none of them are like Jensen. No one makes Jared feel the way he does, and Jared’s not sure what’s going on. He’s had a million crushes, but the way he wakes up everyday wanting Jensen a little bit more is completely new.

He keeps waiting for the magic to wear off, and it doesn’t. Jensen’s brilliant, funny, will go on tangents about things people his age aren’t supposed to know about, but he’s never showy about it, never says anything in a way that confuses Jared or makes him feel left behind.

Jared thinks about asking Jensen out constantly, but he doesn’t really know how to. He doesn’t know if Jensen’s really gay, or if that guy was just trying to get a rise out of him, and Jared’s scared that if he asks, Jensen will take it the wrong way, assume he’s asking for the wrong reason. The last thing in the world Jared wants is for Jensen to associate him with guys like that.

They eat together all the time. Jared has no idea if they’re dating or not. Probably not considering the fact that it’s entirely platonic, but a part of him hopes maybe Jensen doesn’t want it to be. So he asks Jensen out to a movie on a Friday night, and Jensen agrees happily.

Jared spends too long getting ready, just to have Jensen show up with the gorgeous redhead, Danneel. He spends as much of the night teasing her, playful touches passing between them like it’s nothing, as he spends talking to Jared. So, yeah, there’s obviously a message there and Jared gets it.

Two weeks later, he sees Danneel leaving on the way to Jensen’s room—her hair and clothing are a mess, and it’s obvious she spent the night. Jared manages to smile as he passes her and tries not to feel too sorry for himself when Jensen greets him with equally messy hair and a tiny, smug smile.

 _I guess she was his girlfriend, after all_ , Jared thinks, though Jensen assures him later that they’re just really good friends who sometimes mess around. Jared doesn’t really think it matters—he’s never understood the friends with benefit arrangement and watching Jensen and Danneel together…Jared can’t imagine they won’t wake up one day and realize they’re perfect together.

It’s obviously not the end of the world. Jensen’s still a great friend, and Jared can live if that’s all he is. Jared starts dating girls after that, hoping one of them will distract him from getting any more attached to Jensen than he already has, but it never works for more than a few weeks at a time. Sooner or later, Jared realizes that they’re not going to teach him new things, or share his stupid interests, or spend hours talking to him and never get boring. Sooner or later, none of them are Jensen, and that’s a deal breaker.

Jensen stays at school over the holidays, which bothers Jared to no end. It would be okay if it was something Jensen chose, but Jared can read what Jensen refuses to say—he can’t afford to go home for the holidays, especially not while he’s saving up to move off-campus.

By the summer, Jensen has enough to rent a small apartment a block outside of the school’s limits, and he seems happy enough. He gets a few jobs to fill the time, and Jared drives back to Rostand some weekends to hang out with him.

He considers it the great triumph of his summer when he convinces Jensen to let him bring him home for Fourth of July weekend. Jensen keeps his eyes cast to the ground, thanks everyone four times for every bullshit thing they do for the entire first day, but, by the second night he’s there, Jensen’s almost at home. Jared’s parents love him, his friends love him, hell, even his bratty little sister loves him. Jared can’t imagine how anyone could ever _not_ love him.

By Jared’s sophomore year, Jensen agrees to come home with him for Thanksgiving and Christmas without putting up more than the few objections Jensen feels are strictly required. Jared decides to stay at school for an extra semester that summer, drives home on the weekends instead of the other way around.

He tells people this is to get ahead, push his GPA up with extra classes. Jared knows exactly how full of shit this excuse is, and he’s pretty sure everyone else does, too. It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing in Jared’s life that isn’t about Jensen, no thoughts that don’t somehow lead back to him. Jared can’t imagine a day when Jensen won’t be top priority, doesn’t even want to.

And then Sandy happens. Two years into believing he’ll never love anyone but Jensen, Jared does fall in love.

At first, he thinks it’s Jensen. Knows it’s Jensen. It has to be. Jared doesn’t know why he plays dumb every time Jared tries confronting him with a letter or a CD or any of the things he receives, but Jared figures he must have a good reason. It’s annoying, but he waits it out. Because he knows, there’s no mystery to it, no suspense.

It can’t be anyone else, and that’s not just because Jensen’s the only person Jared’s ever met who’s smart enough to pull something like this together. It’s unlikely but not impossible that there’s someone else this brilliant at a school like Rostand—but that other person? They don’t feel this way about Jared or know him like this.

It goes beyond personality traits or shared experience. The person writing these letters to Jared has him memorized, knows what to say to melt him, what to love about him, even knows what his faults are and teases him for them. This person very literally knows how Jared’s mind works, forms a code and programs things in a way Jared’s thought process is uniquely equipped to handle. It’s either Jensen, or it’s Jared himself.

But it turns out Jared is imagining the tender attention he thinks he finds in every word, every letter, every number. Maybe he pretends it’s there because he can’t—or won’t—face the truth.

In the end, it’s not Jensen at all.

Looking back, Jared feels guilty about the night of the concert. It was more like a chore than a fun night out with his girl.

Jared had big plans for that night when he bought the tickets, had been planning to tell Jensen how he felt, kiss Jensen, finally take a chance. If Jensen said no, they would still be out seeing a great band play, and Jared knows Jensen wouldn’t be upset with him. It was going to be his last-ditch effort at getting what he really wanted before finally just giving up on Jensen, forcing himself to let go of those feelings.

His plans get shot to shit, however, because, not only does Jensen reject the date, he even makes sure to offer Jared a replacement for the night. As far as rejections go, it’s pretty spectacular. And yeah, Jared got his answer—Jensen is definitely not interested, probably more than a little fed up with Jared asking him out every year just to get turned down—but it doesn’t leave him particularly excited about the concert.

It’s not like it’s Sandy’s fault, but a part of Jared can’t help being bitter when he thinks about her being with him instead of Jensen.

They decide to take her car, and she pulls up an hour and a half before the opening band is set to take the stage. She’s all dolled up, even more gorgeous than she looks in class, and Jared wishes he were a decent enough boyfriend to appreciate it.

The drive to the concert is spent with the radio blasting, Sandy singing along with a smile as they drive. Jared is so used to hearing the songs playing the way they’re set up on the mix he thought was Jensen’s that it doesn’t hit him until the end of the sixth song that Sandy having them in that order means she has the same mix as him. And if Sandy has the mix, knows it as well as he does…then Jensen hasn’t been lying about not knowing how the CDs have been showing up in his things, really can’t read the code Jared assumed he invented. Because it’s _Sandy_ who made this CD, Sandy who made all of it.

She looks over at him again and smiles, and Jared feels warmth explode in his chest like a firework. He does love Sandy, has loved Sandy for months, and gave all that love to someone who doesn’t even want it. He smiles so wide his face hurts and puts his hand over hers on the shift gear.

“Did you make this CD?” he asks, just because a part of him still doesn’t believe it.

Sandy nods. “Do you want me to change it?”

“No,” he says. “Fuck no.”

Jared decides that Sandy wanted him to figure it out himself, that’s why she didn’t tell him. All these months of waiting for his admirer to reveal themself, months he associated with Jensen’s shyness, that inability to take credit for his work that always means Jared has to stand backstage and urge him forward when he has a paper to present or an award to accept—it wasn’t that at all. Sandy just wanted him to earn it, and Jared spent so long assuming it was someone else, he didn’t even try.

The night gets better after that. Everything gets better after that.

Dating Sandy is weird, in a way. She plays coy about the letters and gifts, never wants to spend too long talking about them when Jared brings them up. She’s fun, and funny, and a great time in general, but Jared never would have guessed just how perfect she was if he didn’t know better. She isn’t as good at putting her thoughts into words as she is when she has time to sit down and think them over. Sandy is better on paper.

Jared doesn’t mind or tells himself he doesn’t mind. It’s endearing. When she starts to feel like all those other girls he’s dated, a passing thing, he gets home to find something from her and is reminded that she’ll never pass. She’s everything, and she understands Jared in a way only…Jared hates when he thinks of it like that. He shouldn’t just love her because she compares to Jensen, and he doesn’t, not really. Because Jensen would still win, and Jared doesn’t want him to. Being with Sandy makes him happy. He loves her, and, finally, the person he really loves feels the same.

It’s just sometimes that Jared can’t forget.

Like Christmas. Jared really, really doesn’t know how to get through Christmas without Jensen. It would be one thing if Jensen was really with his family, if Jared hadn’t seen right through that lie before it was even out of his mouth. But Jensen isn’t. He’s probably in his apartment, Danneel’s probably over hiding from her evil aunt, and, if Jared’s honest with himself, Jensen’s probably getting laid right now. Jared tries to shake the image out of his head. He has no right to be jealous. But he sure as hell isn’t feeling bad for Jensen, that’s for damn sure.

Mostly, Jared's feeling pretty dismal for himself. And—he doesn’t care how well they mean—if one more relative asks him where Jensen is, Jared is going to scream until he ruins Christmas.

Jensen not being here is like missing a central part of the family, the one thing Jared can usually depend on for a vent when he’s had it with traditions and nostalgia and catching up. It just feels wrong.

He’s been pulling away ever since Jared started dating Sandy—like he can tell that Jared has finally found someone to take some of that love away from him, and he doesn’t want to be a distraction. It ruins the point of falling in love when your girlfriend costs you your best friend. Jared wants to be on cloud nine; instead he’s on cloud seven-and-a-half.

It’s not that they grow apart, they’re exactly the same when they’re together. And Jared will admit that some of the time that used to be devoted to Jensen is now Sandy time. But he still makes room for Jensen. Jensen just doesn’t want to be around him as often, and that’s maybe the worst thing Jared can think of. He ignored it, told himself Jensen was just having a busy semester, and he bought all the excuses until this. Jensen blowing off Christmas stings.

He excuses himself from the table a little bit after dessert. Most of the conversations are still going strong, but Jared can’t even pretend to pay attention. He goes up to his room and stares at the ceiling for fifteen minutes before rolling over, picking up his phone, and calling Jensen.

It rings until it goes to voicemail, and Jared does everything he can to keep his mind blank, not picture all the things Jensen and Danneel are doing that take priority over his call.

“Hey, this is Jensen. Leave a message, and, if I decide I don’t hate you, I might even call you back.”

“Hey, Jen,” he says, forcing joviality. “What’s up, man? I just wanted to call and say, ‘Merry Christmas.’ We’re having a lot of fun here, but we all really miss you. I hope you guys are having a good one, too. Let me know.”

He hangs up and sets the phone on his nightstand, already knowing Jensen’s not going to call him back. He lies on his side in bed, and there’s a soft knock at the door.

“Yeah?”

Jared’s mom sticks her head in, makes a worried face when she sees him. She sits on the edge of his bed and moves a few hairs out of his eyes, and Jared complains about her babying him as he leans into the touch.

“You alright, honey? Your father and I noticed you’d come up before Cranium started. That’s not like you.”

Jared shrugs. He really doesn’t want to play tonight, not without Jensen on his team, not without their stupid inside jokes, and Jensen’s inexhaustible brain there to make them unstoppable.

“Just feeling kinda sick. I think maybe I ate too many sweets.”

Mom laughs. “Well, I always told you that was bound to happen one day.”

Jared smiles as much as he can. They sit in relative silence until she squeezes Jared’s leg.

“You’re too young to be this in love,” she says sadly, and they both know she’s not talking about Sandy.

Jared doesn’t bother denying it.

That night, he dreams of Jensen on top of him, legs straddling Jared, nothing but warmth and affection as he kisses Jared for hours, no intention beyond that. He leans down at one point and whispers _I love you_ , and the best part about the dream is that it doesn’t feel special. Jared thinks _I know_ and doesn’t waste his breath saying it back.

He wakes up in a much better mood than he was in when he fell asleep and realizes that his phone woke him. He answers Sandy’s call feeling perfectly light-hearted and happy to hear from her. He doesn’t remember what he dreamed about, just knows it was something good. Hearing Sandy’s voice over the phone makes him feel a tiny spark in his chest, and he thinks he must have been dreaming of her.

Jared gets back to his dorm after the break to find something crawling back and forth in front of his door. Sandy already gave him his gift, but he’s not entirely surprised that she decided to give him something special in the secretive way she has. He is a little surprised by just how special it is.

The dog stops pacing when Jared picks it up and he realizes there’s a note attached. By now, Jared can read the code he’d once had to sit over for hours on first glance, he smiles as he unlocks his door, feeling overwhelmed by an uneasy feeling.

_It’s not the same, but this guy will try to keep you company while you’re away from the kids._

He knows he talks about his dogs a lot, but he didn’t think Sandy got just how hard it was for him to leave them while he’s at school. He always thought it was something you had to see to understand about him, and Sandy’s never seen him with Harley and Sadie. But then again, Sandy has always been pretty fast on the uptake when it comes to Jared.

Jared shoves aside the voice that still sometimes insists this has to be Jensen and wonders why he can’t just accept what he knows and be happy.

After the low point that was Christmas and the high of coming back to school to find how hard Sandy had worked on his gift, Jared is finally successful in squashing out the last of his amorous feelings towards Jensen. Jensen is still his best friend, and Jared would do anything for him, but Sandy’s his girl. Sandy’s what matters most now.

Only he should have appreciated her more earlier. Somehow, he screwed things up, and Jared doesn’t know what’s different, but he can feel her slipping away, even as he falls more and more in love with her by the hour.

She stops writing him letters, making him gifts, drawing him little comics and diagrams of the most random things. It all just stops one day out of nowhere. Jared’s not a complete brat, he doesn’t need his girlfriend to spoil him every day to be happy; that’s not what bothers him. What bothers him is what it means that she’s stopped. She’s getting over him, he can see her love him less a little more every time they’re together, and no matter what Jared does, she just keeps slipping.

It hurts every hour of the day, but he tells himself he’s being childish. She just doesn’t feel the need to woo him anymore, that’s all. He’s completely hers and she knows it, and it’s not like they could keep this secret admirer thing up forever.

Jared repeats this mantra incessantly and never believes it, and his heart’s so broken he can hardly breathe when she finally dumps him, but he can’t pretend he’s surprised.

Jared practically crawls to Jensen’s the night Sandy breaks up with him, and Jensen is there for him in a way he hasn’t been for months. It’s nice, nice enough that Jared almost feels it.

At first, Jared has every intention of winning Sandy back. He doesn’t even know what he did, so it couldn’t be that bad. And Sandy…she really loved him. She told him so constantly, in the most beautiful ways. There’s no way Jared can’t get it back.

But she never seems down about their break up, never mopes or gives any indication that she regrets losing him. She’s not mean to him, but she’s firm enough as she rejects him. She only ever looks happier as the time passes, and Jared wants her to be happy.

He lets go, or at least he stops harassing her. Suffers in relative silence, though Jensen gets an earful. Jensen is endlessly gracious putting up with Jared, he’s everything Jared has left to depend on, and Jared spends an embarrassing amount of time at Jensen’s, clinging for support, remembering how to be at least the shadow of okay again. Jensen even has a key made for him, like he’s always joked about, and stops shutting Jared down every time Jared suggests they room together if Jensen gets the spot in the grad program he wants (which he is basically guaranteed, anyway).

Jensen fixes Jared as much as Jared can be fixed, and Jared doesn’t even bother trying to put out the flame that reignites in the wake of losing Sandy. It’s no worse to be hopelessly in love with Jensen than it is to be hopeless over her, Jared just accepts both heartaches with resignation.

Jared really is getting better, and then the other shoe drops.

One stupid, drunken night over spring break, Jensen ruins the last good thing Jared had left. And, God, Jared would rather have never known. Would have preferred to stay completely in the dark for the rest of his life, so he could go on believing in Jensen. Jared can’t anymore when he finds out what he did, and there’s nothing to believe in once Jensen’s off the list.

Losing Sandy was bad enough, but Jensen. Not just losing Jensen, either. Finding out he was right about the letters all along—finding out the person he’d already been mourning, the person he was sure he would never fall out of love with, and the person he really never will, are one and the same.

None of it was real. No one ever loved Jared; Jared didn’t love anything that could love him back. Jensen’s been a fraud since day one. And Jared…Jared is so fucking stupid he fell for it. Won’t let go of that love even when he knows that he was nothing but a plaything.

He takes Jensen back to the cabin that night and puts him to bed, listens to Jensen blabber on in drunken apologies he won’t remember or mean in the morning. Then he knocks on Genevieve’s door, throws up three times—even though he hasn’t had very much to drink—and curls up on her floor like a dog.

He can’t leave the room, can’t see the house or the lake or face the happy memories of his last two spring breaks here. Jared can’t risk seeing Jensen. Genevieve brings him most of what he needs, only rarely insists he actually go outside and face the world. Jared’s never been so thankful for her, for the fact that he never dated her and screwed things up between them. He’s pretty sure all his other friends would laugh him out of their rooms, but Genevieve understands.

She takes care of him. Good care—it’s just not what Jared’s used to. It’s nothing like the way Jensen took care of him after Sandy, but then again, what’s the point? He’s not recovering this time, no matter how good of help he gets.

Jensen knocks on the door three days after the incident, two days before they’re all supposed to head back to campus. To Jared’s surprise, Danneel opens the door and tells him to beat it, and Jared catches a glimpse of Jensen’s disbelieving, broken expression.

He shuts his eyes so tight it hurts and tries to push the image out of his head. He’s not supposed to care about that anymore.

“Jared, please hear me out.”

Jared muscles past Jensen into his room, trying to shut the door before Jensen gets in. He doesn’t make it.

“For some reason, I really don’t want to talk to you. Like, ever.”

“Jay, please.”

“Fucking leave already. This is my dorm, I didn’t give you permission to come in.”

“It’s been a week, I’m gonna burst if this goes on any longer.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Jared mocks. “Alright, you wanna talk? Just tell me why.”

Jensen opens his mouth to answer, but Jared can already hear the lie he’s about to tell, and he can’t really stand to hear it.

“Don’t tell me you love me, Jensen. Just tell me the truth. Did you ever really like me at all? Because I gotta say, I always thought I was a pretty fucking decent friend to you.”

“Better than decent,” Jensen replies.

“Then why? How could you? You made an idiot out of me, Jen. You…” He bites his lip to keep it from trembling, because he is not going to cry, not over Jensen…not to his face. “You broke my heart _twice_.”

Jensen steps forward, tries to reach out to him, and Jared shoves Jensen away. “I would do anything to—”

“To take it back? To fix it? You could have fixed it. If you’d told me it was you after Sandy dumped me, I would have been so happy, I wouldn’t have even had the brain cells left to care that you lied. You could have fixed everything then, instead you let me suffer for months. Kept lying. Fuck, I trusted you. I’m so stu—”

“Don’t take this out on yourself, okay? This is all me. You are not stupid.”

Jared shakes his head. “I wish you wouldn’t tell me that. I wish you’d never told me that. You should have just let me fail out as a freshman instead of dragging me through three years of actually believing in myself. You must’ve had some good laughs since meeting me, huh?”

“No, Jared. I believed in you, I will always believe in you.” He shakes his head. “Hate me as much as you want, but…I never lied about that. You’re gonna be great.”

“Yeah, right. I can’t even tell when I’m someone’s chew toy.”

“I know you’re pissed at me right now, but…try to understand what it was like for me, okay? I was in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years. Really, really—everything those letters ever said? I meant every word.”

“That’s a pretty fucked up way of showing it.”

“I know,” Jensen says, so softly Jared hardly hears it. “I didn’t know how to say it. But that’s what it meant.”

“If you loved me, maybe you should have just asked me out. Or, better yet, all those times I asked you out and you rejected me? Maybe you could have said yes.”

Jensen tilts his head. “You never asked me out.”

Jared stares at him in shock, waits for him to break into laughter, but Jensen’s serious. “Jensen, I ask you out every year. It’s practically a fucking tradition by now.”

“When did you—?”

“First there was the movie night you brought a date to. This year you not only said no when I asked you out, you told me to take someone else. For crying out loud, Jensen, you’re supposed to be a fucking genius, aren’t you? I made up an excuse to spend _Valentine’s Day_ with you last year.”

“You were snowed in,” Jensen points out.

Jared laughs. “Oh my God, Jensen, no. I could have gotten out if I wanted to. It would have been inconvenient, but I’ve left here in worse weather, and you’ve seen me do it. I only offered the snowed in excuse as an out if you wanted it, and you took it.”

“No.” Jensen shakes his head, his face horrorstruck. “No, Jared. You. You don’t love me. You can’t have loved me this whole time.”

“Of course I love you. I thought you—if you didn’t know that, Jensen, it’s because you’ve been going out of your way to convince yourself otherwise.”

Jensen looks down. “I just didn’t ever think you—”

“Great. So your inexplicably fragile ego fucked up what could have been a really great thing between us.”

Jensen steps forward, presses his hand against Jared's chest. “You don’t love me anymore?”

“I don’t trust you anymore.”

Jensen pushes up into Jared until his lips brush Jared’s lightly and—there’s love there. There’s so much there that Jared can’t push it away, returns it for a few seconds. It’s everything he’s ever wanted; it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to him.

He pulls back. “I hate you,” Jared lies, wishing he could mean it just a little bit. “I hate you. I never want to talk to you again.”

“You can’t say that to me. I’ll die.”

Jared scoffs. “I’m supposed to be the dramatic one here, right? You’re not going to die.”

“I’ll want to,” Jensen replies without missing a beat, sounds like he means it.

Jared’s heart seizes up and he takes a step forward automatically. It’s basic instinct to want to draw Jensen in, comfort him, and make whatever is upsetting him go away. But Jensen wouldn’t do the same for him, and Jared manages to hold his ground.

“I think we’ve both said everything we have to say,” Jared says, keeping his tone icy. “You should leave.”

Jensen stares at him for the longest minute of Jared’s life before closing the door to Jared’s room behind him.

The Monday after their fight, Jared finds a note on his lunch tray. He looks up and sees Jensen watching him with a hopeful expression on his face. Jared wants nothing in the world more than to read it, but Jensen’s too good, and Jared knows he’ll lose control if he does, take Jensen back without a second thought. And then Jensen will be able to hurt him all over again.

He makes sure Jensen’s watching, locks eyes across the dining hall as he empties his tray—note still folded on the corner—into the garbage. Across the room, Jensen’s eyes dim and, confronted with the wounded expression, Jared wants to dig back into the trashcan and pull it out.

He leaves before the compulsion becomes too strong to ignore.

But Jensen is stubborn, and it almost seems like he doesn’t even have a choice. Jared wonders if that’s what it was like when Jensen was pretending to be Sandy, if it was something that spun out of control, became an addiction. It doesn’t matter, he tries to reason. Jensen still lied. But Jared is weak, and he desperately wants to forgive Jensen. 

He keeps writing Jared letters every day, and Jared pretends not to read them. He waits until he’s in bed and takes them out, cherishing each one. At first, Jensen apologizes over and over, tries to explain himself, hoping Jared will forgive him.

After a few weeks, he must give up on Jared forgiving him, because he stops mentioning anything about it. Instead, he just writes to Jared about his day, keeps him updated, and it’s like a lifeline to know what’s going on in Jensen’s life. He can imagine Jensen’s face and mannerisms if he were telling the stories to him in person, and Jared can never decide if he’s glad for that or not.

The night Jared finds out Jensen got into the grad program, he gets every bit as drunk alone as they would have gotten together. That was supposed to be the highlight of their year, but Jared’s not a part of it anymore. He realizes then that he never found a roommate for next year, had been taking Jensen for granted. The degree to which Jared wrapped his world around Jensen is truly pathetic, and yet Jared doesn’t stop. Instead of being the thing that keeps him happy, Jensen is the thing that keeps him sleeping in too late every day, completely uninterested in what the outside world has to offer.

On the nights before exams, when Jared’s crammed as much as he can and has nothing left to do but panic, nights he used to spend playing video games at Jensen’s just to relax his brain enough to sleep, Jared drifts off watching the little robotic dog Jensen made him walk across his side of the room. Even Chad isn’t enough of a dick to make fun of him.

“You should just talk to him,” Sandy says when she catches Jared staring off into space.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jared mumbles, turning back to his lunch.

“Come on, Jared. You look like shit, he looks like shit, you’re both miserable, he’s sorry.”

“He lied to me, Sandy.”

“I did, too, and you’re still talking to me.”

“He lied more,” Jared says. He bites his lip. “And…don’t take this the wrong way but...it hurts more that it was him. You could have done worse than he did to me, and I would have gotten over it sooner.”

Sandy frowns. “Yeah, I know.” She runs a hand up and down Jared’s arm, soothing. “But I swear he meant well. It was never supposed to get to where it did. He loved you too much, that’s all.”

“I loved him too much. I can’t let anyone hurt me like that again.”

“He wouldn’t. I know he wouldn’t. _You_ know he wouldn’t.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” Jared stabs at his food and drops his fork. “Look, Sandy, I’m gonna run. Sorry.”

Sandy doesn’t really look surprised.

Chris walks up to him one day and hands him a folded up piece of paper, and Jared tries not to look too excited when he takes it, putting it in his pocket for later.

“I want it on the record that I am completely morally opposed to this,” Chris says as he hands it over.

“Then don’t help?”

“Easier said than done.”

Jared swallows hard. “How’s he doing?”

“Not good, Jared.”

Jared nods slowly. “Yeah, me neither.”

Chris doesn’t try to convince Jared to run back to Jensen like most of their friends, and Jared appreciates it. It makes him think maybe Chris is on his side. “You understand why I have to, though, right?”

Chris scratches the back of his neck. “Look, Jared, I like you. I’ve always liked you. And what he did? I hated it from the start, man, always told him it was gonna blow up in his face. But…I’m not on your side. I know you’re in the right, but I’ve seen how my best friend is because of you, and anything that does that to him is on my shit list.”

Jared frowns, looks back down at the folded piece of paper in his hand. Even now, Jensen seems to be the only thing looking out for him. He sighs.

“Nice talking to ya, Chris.”

Chris gives him a distanced pat on the shoulder and they go their separate ways.

That night as he’s curling up in bed, Jared opens the scrap of paper and finds a cartoon instead of the usual notes Jensen writes him.

He scans over it, a drawing of Jensen as a worm getting the shit beat out of him by what Jared assumes must be karma. It’s not what he expected, but it’s Jensen’s sense of humor, self-deprecating enough that Jared feels a laugh bubble up and surprise him as it passes his lips.

He falls asleep that night in a better mood than he has in a long time, feeling like Jensen’s there with him.

For two weeks, Jared’s resolve has been wavering. Aside from the reports he’s been getting from friends about how Jensen’s doing—not well, according to everyone who’s seen him in the last month—Jared is just about done being able to stay away. Half of him is convinced Jensen will hurt him the moment he lets him back in; the other half has no idea how letting Jensen back in could possibly hurt more than trying to shut him out.

Unsurprisingly, it’s one of Jensen’s letters that finally does him in. Jared comes home one day to find a piece of paper lying out on his bed, black writing on white—Jensen’s hand writing. It’s not coded, it’s not clever, it’s not special at all. It looks rushed and desperate and _honest_. There are only four words written there, but they shake Jared more than anything else Jensen’s said, done, or written since he told Jared the truth.

_I really miss you._

Jared reads it over a thousand times and feels a chunk of his heart floating back into place.

“Yeah, Jensen,” Jared says out loud to the empty room. “I really miss you, too.”

Jared considers letting himself into Jensen’s room—he still has the key, after all, and it would probably scare the shit out of Jensen. He decides against it last minute, wants to stick to tradition.

Jared watches Jensen come home from work that day, turning the corner, appearing at the end of the hallway where Jared can watch his expression change. Once upon a time, this was when Jensen’s mouth would form the shy smile Jared loves more than anything. Now, Jensen is thin and pale, and he freezes when he sees Jared. There’s no smile, no crow’s feet. He just looks scared and it’s so wrong, Jared wants to crush the moment and start all over.

“Hey,” Jared says, standing as Jensen approaches the door.

Jensen doesn’t answer. His eyes move over Jared too quickly, like he’s documenting every detail, trying to memorize him.

“I want you to apologize to me,” says Jared.

Jensen looks down. “I don’t know how else to tell you, Jared. I’ve tried everything.”

“Just tell me you’re sorry.”

“I am so, so sorry. You can’t imagine how—”

Jared takes his face between two hands and presses his lips to Jensen’s briefly. He leans his forehead on Jensen’s and swipes the pad of his thumbs over Jensen’s lips. “I accept. You’re forgiven. Don’t ever apologize to me about it again.”

Jensen looks like he doesn’t quite believe it, then leans back towards Jared, practically attacking his mouth. Jared stops him with a hand on his chest, and Jensen lets him have his lips, but begins to trail kisses on his jaw, his neck, Jared has a hard time pushing him away.

“Stop, Jensen, stop.”

Jensen freezes.

“We’re taking this slow, okay? I…I forgive you. And I trust you. But I’m not ready to…”

Jensen nods and takes his hand, squeezing it. Jared smiles just a little bit, and they have their first date in Jensen’s apartment, eating delivery and making fun of bad television. Just like old times.


	3. EPILOGUE

Jared drops to the couch, letting out a long sigh as his sore muscles try to get used to the first twenty seconds all day he hasn’t spent running around. Jensen plops down next to him, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

“That wasn’t so bad, now was it?” he asks.

Jared opens one eye and uses it to glare at his boyfriend. “How dare you?”

Jensen laughs. “Don’t be a drama queen.”

“You didn’t have to move! All you had to do was throw away some extra shirts to make room for me in the closet.”

“I liked those shirts.”

Jared smirks, turning on Jensen and attacking him, until Jensen tumbles back onto the couch, Jared on top of him. “More than me?”

“They brought out my eyes.” Jensen makes a speculative face. “You don’t bring out my eyes.”

“Oh, you are insufferable.”

Jensen just smiles, cocky and unapologetic.

“I’ve been hauling shit up stairs all day,” Jared says, letting Jensen up and hoping for a little sympathy.

“Need I remind you, this was your idea?”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t get to bitch.”

Jensen laughs. “Want me to help? I’ll unload your crap and you can sit here and rest your abused little feet and later you can reward me with a blowjob.”

“Wow, Jensen. That’s really nice of you to offer yourself a blowjob on my behalf.”

“Well, I figured you deserve a little reward after this long, harrowing orde—”

Jensen’s cut short by a cushion to the face, and Jared realizes, this isn’t just the couch that he steals anymore. This is his couch to abuse now. Their couch. It feels good.

He can’t help a slightly manic smile as Jensen pushes the pillow away from his face. Jensen reaches out and gives Jared a firm kiss. “I’m gonna go clean up your mess.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Throw in a French maid costume and it’ll be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Jensen laughs and gives Jared’s thigh a light slap as he stands. Jared grabs the remote and turns on the TV, letting himself sink into whatever the fuck is on when the set comes to life. It sounds like one of those police crime shows Jared hates, but right now he’s too tired to care.

“Why?” Jared hears about twenty minutes later.

He opens his eyes and looks over to where Jensen is unpacking his things, realizes Jensen’s just found the box Jared used to stash all his old letters and gifts. He can’t help catching how unhappy Jensen looks as he picks the papers up and lets them fall back down after scanning them for a few seconds. Top of the pile must be the most recent, which means Jensen’s just found the letters he wrote while they weren’t talking.

“Why would you keep this shit?” he asks, looking at the entire box with disdain.

Jared frowns. “Because I love it,” he admits.

Jensen shakes his head. “No, Jared, I was awful to you. You shouldn’t…”

Jared stands and positions himself directly behind Jensen, taking a letter out of one hand and the robotic dog out of the other. “I love this stuff, Jensen. I love you, and I love that you made them for me.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t want it here,” he says. “I’m sorry. We’re supposed to be starting over, and I can’t with that here.”

Jared shrugs. “My parents can take this box, Jensen. It’s not a problem.”

Jensen nods, pacified, as Jared presses a kiss into his neck.

“But my little robo dog stays.”

Jensen just laughs at him.

**End.**


End file.
